Australian cricket finally faces up to reality … Haggard Hages gives Eels the slippery treatment … Amos goes amiss … Glen Boss starves in the hope of scoring with Samantha … Ricky wishes he could send on Brett Stewart; Ricky wishes he could send off Brett Lee … O'Keefe: "I guess Sydney's beaches aren't that bad." … Diving footballers keen to stand up to critics … Let Fuifui and Taniela play: make a crap tournament interesting. Revelations Our chums at The News of the World report that England coach Fabio Capello will step down if his adopted nation wins the 2010 World Cup (insert snide remark). So let's get this straight: they win, he'll resign, they don't, he gets sacked.

England lifting the trophy in South Africa is about as likely as this gem from the geezers at The Sun who are trumpeting the news of the "most important images of a UFO ever filmed". The footage, from Harry Kewell's new home town of Istanbul, "is said to even depict ALIENS". No kidding. Sugar's man on the spot - a Scouser holidaying in search of a good kebab - said he'd never seen anything like it, describing ET's mate as "visibly thin-skinned" as he disembarked from a craft at the training ground of Galatasaray before shocking our scout further by participating in a Turkish league match. Premonition: LeBron James to sign a two-game guest contract with Sydney Spirit. People still confuse them for a male netball team. Again, nobody turns up. Brother, can you spare a sledge? "What a waste of money." Pot-bellied Perth Glory fans give Sydney FC's John Aloisi a tough time after the striker - who reportedly earns more than $66,000 per match - failed to score again last week. Yes, the "wrong Aloisi" gag got a run, too. Professional's tip for the weekend I may end up with another round of letter bombs if this one goes astray, but surely it won't. Sign up to luxbet.com, enter "Australia" in the promotional code and they'll give you the crazy odds of $2 for Australia to win the Rugby League World Cup. The maximum bet is only $100, but that should cover some of the losses you'll make 10 days from now. And you do this for a living, right? Little-known Aussie golfer Andrew Buckle has been hacking it around struggle street (aka the PGA Tour) recently, with his second-round 79 ensuring he missed the cut at the recent Texas Open. Blogger Marc Solomon wasn't impressed. "Andrew decided to leave his PLAN on hole six and play like a monkey," he furiously punched into the worldgolf.com page. "And unfortunately, but not coincidentally, he had the same result the golfer at your local golf course might see when they forget about their PLAN: a quadruple-bogey eight." Odd spot Thinking of sneaking on to a posh private course? One of these might help. "A suspect in a souped-up golf cart managed to outrun police who pursued him through a crop field in Morgan, Utah," The Press Association reported this week. "Officers began chasing him after he was spotted in a city park. He shot into the field and jumped irrigation ditches the sheriff's cars could not cross." It's not porn but you'll like it OK, so you missed out on the 94.9 cents-per-litre frenzy that gripped western Sydney during the week. But there has to be a better way - and since we all love Top Gear (well, the UK one at least), why not consider their suggestion to fill up on a cheap and inexhaustible alternative? Search "Top Gear Vegetable Oil" on YouTube. If you're not watching sport you should be listening to Spiderland . Slint. The black and white photo on the cover of Slint's album is appropriate imagery for both the sound and reaction to this 1991 release. Admired or dismissed as emo wankery (before the term emo existed) it's six tracks of sparse guitar that suddenly explode before subsiding. Vocals are whispered, spoken or shouted. A difficult but rewarding listening experience. As musician/producer Steve Albini (Pixies, Nirvana, PJ Harvey) wrote in a review on its release "Ten f---ing stars".

- Ears McEvoy Get me my cab money If the promising first reserve Shelby One does not gain a start in the final event at Wentworth Park tonight, Extremely Kool (box one) only needs to begin on terms to land the prize. Useful trivia The average beer in Burma costs just 67 cents, making it the cheapest drinking spot in the world. Get off the couch Want to get in on the glitz and glam of Australia's best horse race but can't afford the last-minute flight to Melbourne? Get the train to Rosehill today, cough up $60 and you'll find yourself in the tastefully-named Jim Beam Shed. Who said Sydney's A-List had gone south for the next fortnight?